Ten seconds into Rachel Coster’s Boyroom series and you may find yourself wondering — are these men ok?
A two-headed taxidermied rabbit. No duvet cover on the bed. An expansive collection of bop-its. Underwear stored in a tupperware container. A fitted sheet serving as a makeshift curtain. Throat spray on the bedside table. A belt taped to the wall. Serial-killer inspired stick art.
The idea for Boy Room allegedly came from a friend of Coster’s who said his room was “scaring every girl I’ve ever brought over.”
It’s not the first time young men’s lives have gone through this type of comical exposition online. Look no further than the “three quintessential NYC boy apartments” (the elder frat bro, the “my dad has money and that means a lot to me” guy, and the guy with a fireplace who will hurt your feelings). There’s the “things in my boyfriend’s apartment that just make sense” (an old coffee cup taped to the wall for some reason??). Not to mention last year’s trend of women sharing their dating icks (from tying a shoe to putting on chapstick to sneezing…the list never ends).
These videos often waver between critical and sympathetic — a bit of shock and disgust mixed with genuine fascination. Coster’s videos in particular have a sentimental warmth to them and offer earnest tips for improvement. Many men just weren’t taught to prioritize cleanliness and homemaking as children the way girls were. The online commentary on men’s many shortcomings — domestic and otherwise — is lighthearted and silly, yet juxtaposed with conversations about the growing “crisis of masculinity” reflects a darker side to being a man today.
The popularity of the Boyroom series comes at a time where reports show men are experiencing record levels of loneliness. Fifteen percent of men today say they have no close friendships, a fivefold increase since 1990. In the non-profit organization Equimundo’s 2023 State of American Men survey, two-thirds of men aged 18 to 23 said they felt that “no one really knows me.” A popular SNL sketch pokes fun at male friendlessness, where a young woman, frustrated by her boyfriend’s inability to open up to anyone else, takes him to a “man park” where, after a shy start, he finds fellow men to make friends with. It touched a nerve online — “We need a man park in every town. I need friends” comments one guy on the video.
In the romantic sphere, dating opportunities for heterosexual men are diminishing as relationship standards rise. Bumble’s latest botched attempt to take on the growing celibacy movement amongst women is proof of such.
“Men are in their flop era,” wrote
back in 2021. Why?Outside of deteriorating social lives, men are being left behind economically as well. Men now receive about 74 bachelor’s degrees for every 100 received by women, and they account for more than 70 percent of the decline in college enrollment overall. Amidst industrialization and automation, the modern labor market has shifted dramatically out of men’s favor. As the need for physical labor has declined, soft skills and academic credentials have become more valuable. As a result, many working-age men have left the labor market, with the biggest drop in employment amongst men ages 25 to 34. For those still employed, wages have stagnated everywhere except the top.
The larger issue is that amidst growing feminine power and movements towards improved equity, there hasn’t been a parallel conversation about what role men should play in this new world. In many ways, they’ve been left behind by society, and there aren’t many positive role models who they can turn to for answers.
Since 1960, the percentage of boys living apart from their biological fathers has nearly doubled, from 17 percent to 32 percent, leaving a void for what modern masculinity should look like.
To address this dearth of guidance, there have been hypermasculine appeals from the toxic corners of the so-called “manosphere” online. From Good Old Boys to Andrew Tate, these misplaced attempts try to make sense of shifting gender dynamics by projecting a caricature of masculinity through alpha-male ideology. The practice of “rawdogging” flights is the latest example of this — a masculine deprivation challenge on long haul flights where with the absence of any form of entertainment, men have only their demons to keep them company.
Women have to deal with their fair share of toxic beauty standards online, but the TikTok trends around appearance enhancements for men seem particularly dystopic. Looksmaxxers are a booming digital community of young men seeking to enhance their physical attractiveness through practices like mewing (chewing gum to workout your jaw muscles) or even bonesmashing (breaking one’s jaw or cheekbones so they grow back stronger). “A lot of them are being ironic, but there are 10- and 11-year-olds who watch this stuff — it’s hard for them to get the nuance of a joke,” said Brendan Ruh, a self-improvement influencer who has criticized looksmaxxing for its focus on things that can’t be changed without surgery. Coincidentally, cosmetic procedures on men have increased 207% between 2019 and 2022. These online communities are providing a guidebook for masculinity, albeit an incredibly flawed one.
So what’s the path forward?
In the comments section of one of her recent videos, Coster poignantly asks “should we help them?” Maybe these men on Boyroom need a little interior decorating help. But maybe they need just a little bit more.
I’m not arguing for “himpathy” (a term coined by philosopher Kate Manne that suggests there is disproportionate sympathy given to powerful men in cases of sexual assault, violence, and general misogynistic behavior). But in our efforts to smash the patriarchy, we’ve left a vacuum in what positive & healthy masculinity should look like. As a result, many men still feel and act like boys (a la “Boy Rooms”) — causing strife in their own lives, as well as in society at large. There’s a chance to reshape it — an opportunity to take what is useful from the past, throw out what’s toxic, and repurpose it for boys and men today.
I shudder to think of leaving these men alone in their dirty, questionably decorated, and fire-safety-violating rooms. I shudder more to think of the responsibility ultimately pushed off onto a woman one day when she moves in. Boy rooms definitely need fixing. But so does masculinity.
As a mother to two boys I have a lot of thoughts about raising them in a way where they are confident in their tastes and values, while respecting the tastes and values of women. Given that we are just hitting the teen years there is still a lot of learning ahead. But this summer we are focusing on basic cooking skills that contribute to the whole family. Which is the exact same thing expected of my daughter.